Making things hard for myself

Again, I'm not entirely sure where this post is gonna go. In future I'm sure I'll be writing more polished, well-drafted, insightful posts but for now this is just a vent for everything I've been experiencing through the day.

Actually today's been a similar day of feeling fine until the evening, where I've got jittery and unsettled. I've thought about it and realised I'm repeating the same mental pattern every day that screws things up for me. Here's what happens:

- Eat very little when I first get up, in case I end up eating lots more through the day.
- Graze a bit but limit it so I'm hungry for lunch.
- Don't eat much for lunch in case I end up eating a lot at dinner
- Graze but limit so that I'm hungry for said dinner
- Don't eat much for dinner so that I can snack more during the evening
- End up not eating until much later, then feeling guilty and anxious that I've not eaten enough and feel like I have to binge to fit enough in.

My whole eating pattern is based on my own fear that I'll be hungry later on, having eaten enough calories too early. This is stupid for two reasons:

1. Having been in and out of anorexia for a long time, I've become bloody good at NOT eating! That's the problem! This fear of being 'hungry later on' has no reasoning behind it. I've been forcing myself to not eat when I'm hungry for years. My real fear is having to force myself to eat when I don't want to.

2. So what if I DO feel hungry later on? I keep trying to budget my calories, but I KNOW that there's no such thing as 'too much' right now. The more I can eat, the better, there's no upper limit whereby I've suddenly gone too far. So why do I keep forcing myself to cram during the last few hours of the day?

Maybe this actually has been an insightful post! Of course, now I've got to act upon it. I've got to start eating more earlier on in the day. That way I should hopefully feel more content in the evening, knowing that there's no pressure to eat shitloads to actually move recovery forward. No harm in trying...