Physical struggles

Again, I'm here with no immediate plan of what I want to talk about. I'd usually vomit all my thoughts and emotions out, read back over and think 'oh shit can't say that', filter, edit, think of more things, lather rinse repeat. 

But then, why filter? This isn't about making my feelings and struggles fit for human consumption. I might tidy it up a bit but I'm beyond the point that I care about judgement. I want to be open and honest with you.

Actually I'd really like to focus on my current physical struggles. I pray I can look back on this next year and thank God that I'm not there any more.

I'm about 6st 12lbs just now. I'm about 5'9, making my BMI about 14.2. The technical term for this is "bloody fucking stupidly underweight". I'm not boasting about it, but nor am I ashamed. This is a mental disorder and I shouldn't be embarrassed.

I'm cold all the time, even when inside with the heating on. My skin is dry and cracked. My stomach can't cope with most things and there's a whole load of too-much-information that I won't go into, but basically makes eating like a normal person...difficult. :S

I'm tired, ridiculously weak, and can't concentrate for shit (writing this has taken me bloody ages).

Perhaps worst of all, my testosterone is totally shot. Maybe it's convenient never having to shave, but I'm sure I'd look sexy with a Fu Manchu tache going on. But then even if I did, I've got no libido to back it up. 

I keep convincing myself that I'm not that sick. I can still function in day-to-day life, and thank God I've never had to be hospitalised. But the reality is that it's not much of a life. I'm an upwardly-mobile skeleton of health issues and I can't deal with it any more. Change needs to happen now.